Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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