I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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