i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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