I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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