mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
