Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
