There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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