Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
