Who wears a wallet chain?!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize