i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
