And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Ketchup is God's man juice
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
