My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
