Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
