also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
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