so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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