using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You were trust falling into bushes
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
