I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
