sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
