I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
