Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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