I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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