i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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