just tell him i said nine months
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
