chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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