So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
