She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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