Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
