Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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