my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
