In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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