I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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