She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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