My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
