i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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