Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
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