chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
