everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize