FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
