Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My bed smells like the plague
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
