eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
