I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
