No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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