In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
