went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
