Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
