Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize