it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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