my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
