Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So vagazzling was a success
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
