Don't make out with my wife yet
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
