you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
sarcasm needs its own font
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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