dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so let's talk penis.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
