I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
