My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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