she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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