I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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