True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
