My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
