okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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